When the world stopped

It was another February morning. I woke up and grabbed my phone. This time, I saw the message from my dad saying: ‘They’re bombarding an airport 160 km from Michalovce.’

That second, my heart stopped, my stomach flipped and the heart rate went up to at least 140bpm. The world stopped. And all I could feel was 'NOW.

February 2022 was a nightmare - it was the second time I felt this scary, very same shock in the scope of 17 days. Earlier in the month, our close friend committed suicide. I’ve never experienced anything similar in my life. We’re still living through the shock, definitely not recovered. Mentally, nor physically.

And now, this war.

I ran to the kitchen - B was quiet. He’s been reading the news for a good half an hour already.

A shock, a void of consciousness, heart beating fast. My mind started racing. I’ll never forget the map with red stars across the Ukranian map. No one believed Russia will invade Ukraine. They’ve been stretching it for way too many times already. Even experts agreed and ruled out a full scale invasion. They were wrong. The mad man has a mental health condition for sure. This is what happens when dictators rule the country. They completely lost touch with humanity and the real world. Facism has no place in the life and century we live in.

My heart breaks when I see young Ukranian men holding guns, fighting. They should be programming, creating solutions, solving global warming. The war? Never have I thought I’d see this in my life. A pointless endeavour.

Or?

To be completely honest, I’ve always had this fear of experiencing similar conflict. There’s been way to many scary dreams I had ever since I was young with a common theme. Hearing bombing, seeing fire, running, packing my bag on a whim. Not being able to use a gun. In my dreams, it was dark, dusty and scary.

In real life, I’ve coped with it by learning how to shoot from a gun and adding a dedicated 'prepper' backpack to my stack.

… today, the day 6, the backpack is on standby. And I'm wondering whether is it going to help me sleep better at night(?)

Coming from the Central Europe, we’ve been very sensitive about the war and how Russia views the world . My parents’ generation grew up in communism. The scope of a damage living under a regime does to generations is still underrated. Unconsciously passing thinking patterns, culture or day-to-day intereaction. I always knew I wanted to leave the region. Because of how people think, the architecture, ugly cities - it's never been my vibe.

There’s this term we use: ‘spomienkovy optimizmus’. Loosely translated as ‘the optimisim of the past’. (Most of the time) older generations reminiscing about life back when they were young ( and living under a communist rule). In fact, not free, under a rule of a single party. The world was less complicated. Unfortunately, they haven't been able to experience a different reality. Free market or travel didn't exist. Consumer products and groceries were of very limited selection and quality. Culture, music and film was under censorship. Journalism wasn’t independent - but owned by the state. The state was a single ruling party. Imagine elections without independent candidates or parties. Scary 1984.

Yet, up until this day, our TV stations still broadcast programs or films produced during that era. While I understand iť’s part of our history and collective consciousness, I despise it.

I’m grateful I was born in Michalovce, in Slovakia. I could have been born 60 kilometers to the east and my life might have been on a completely different path.

Unfortunately, 40 million people weren’t that lucky.

Even though I’m warm, not hungry, sitting in my chair, working from abroad, my heart breaks. The psychological generational trauma this conflict produces is a damage that can’t be undone. For no concrete, legitimate reason. Killing civilians on purpose, sending young soldiers to death.

Going to sleep every night has been bittersweet. Every nightThe threat of nuclear, public hallucinations about big Soviet empire.

I feel the proximity. I feel the cold, tragedy, scare and anxiety of the conflict. After all, they're our neighbours. It could be us. I feel NOW very intensely.

Most of all, I feel unjustice. It could be any free democracy in the world.

It is Ukraine only because of its geographical reality.

I’m sorry for Russians living under the regime, not being able to see the truth, to live in a free world. I hope this will gove them a chance to stand up and overthrow the regime. The freedom is not granted.

The world has changed and whatever may come next, I would never experience it the same way as before.

While packing my backpack - I look at all the material ‘splurges’ in my room.

My stomach hurts. I don’t want any of it. No more pointless material splurge. How precious the moments together with the loved ones are. The fragility of it.

Turns out the two years of a pandemic were less of an issue. We forgot about the virus in the blink of an eye.

The world has changed and whatever may come next, I would never experience it the same way as before.

NOW feels is different.